You become a parent and you totally get it.... you get all those times you hear other parents say, "where does the time go?" It just flies.....
I so vividly remember those first few weeks with our first born... our son.... the late night feedings that seemed to take forever: the feeding and diaper changing and getting him back to sleep and maybe another diaper change and maybe an outfit change (thank goodness for DVRs, Real Housewives and Pretty Woman)... oh but I loved those moments. The house was all dark and quiet, the TV volume so low that it provided just a glow to the room more than anything else.... it was just my baby and I. I loved it. I had such energy, I have no idea how. I remember friends warning me about how tired I'd be and how much those first weeks would just.... well.... suck. But I didn't feel like that. I couldn't wait to get up to hold him again. I couldn't wait for our special little time together. Just us.
The time went on.... the late night feedings eventually stopped.... and now all of a sudden I find myself nearing the birth of baby #2 and again, I'm here trying to take in all these little moments of just the two of us. How did my baby become a toddler? I can't help but hold him a little extra before laying him down for his nap or bed time, look at him and remember those days when he was just a tiny little baby. When he's asleep, I swear he looks the same as he did when he was a newborn....
He loves giving the baby kisses by kissing my belly. "Hi baby!" he'll say, then lift up my shirt over my tummy to give a few kisses then snuggle my belly. Oh buddy, I hope you're always so excited about this little baby! I have those moments, of course, when my worries get away with me about the tougher times for this transition that lie ahead. I'm sure there will be moments of jealousy and times when our first born feels like he doesn't get as much attention anymore. I've heard other moms talk about how hard it can be and I have to say that it scares me a little and makes me sad for our buddy. I know the capacity to love just grows for parents with each child but I've also heard how hard it can be at times to feel so torn. If only it could be so happy and joyous and easy!! Yay! You get a sibling! You have a best bud! You'll grow even closer over the years, regardless if our second child is a boy or girl, like Brenda and Brandon from 90210! Transition, shmansition.... right?? Yes, those sweet belly kisses bring out the more ridiculously optimistic side of me and I can't help but think only of how much fun it will be for our kids to have each other, how excited our son will be to have a little baby around, and those icky stories I've heard of older siblings doing things like pinching their baby sibling b/c they are jealous of them just float away.......
Aaaaaand.... back to reality....
So how did you cope, moms and dads? Any advice for those first few weeks.... or months... when our first is getting used to having a new sibling? What are some ways to keep the older one involved and not ignored during baby feedings and such?
And let's not forget about the dogs.... any advice for them?? :)
I had my eldest two kids about the same age apart as you are. It was not east especially because my eldest had a stroke at nine months old so when I had my second son he was not walking yet (although he did start shortly after the baby was born).
ReplyDeleteWhat I have found was that having people come and help you for a while really helps with the jealousy issues. I had all csections so I tried to get people out for at least a month after the birth. I was always lucky that my parents and my inlaws were always very available to help out. Having the extra sets of hands around really helps out a lot when the jealousy flairs up and by the time that grandma and grandpa were going home things had settled in a bit.
I thing that having them share a room has also helped them grow closer. The two of them kind of gang up a bit on my youngest son so I am thinking about putting all three in a room together or switching up things a bit and having an older kid in with him so that the dynamics are changed a bit.
We will have my parents here to help for a while and my in-laws live very close so hopefully that will help our son with the jealousy issue, too.
DeleteI love the idea of sharing rooms. That's what my siblings and I did growing up and I thought it was fun - granted, I was the youngest so to me it was cool but my sister probably hated it when we got older :)
I'm so sorry to hear that your son had a stroke! How scary.... do they know how/why that happened? Very glad to know that he has recovered.
He has a heart defect and the stroke happened after one of his surgeries. A blood clot formed in his heart and a small piece broke off and went to his brain. He is generally pretty normal. His language processing is affected and he is working hard in school to develop the skills that don't come naturally to him. His left hand is also very affected and I am not sure he will gain much use from it as he ages. I am just thankful that it did not affect him even more severely than it did. He should be able to have a mostly normal and probably independent life.
DeleteMy daughter and son are almost exactly 2 years apart, and the thing that I noticed with my first-born daughter is that she couldn't really understand WHAT she was feeling. It took us a day or two to figure out that it was, in fact, jealousy and missing mommy & daddy. Since we were gone for 2 (maybe 3, can't remember) days at the hospital, she hadn't seen us except for short quick visits at the hospital, and simply wanted to be with us. So we made sure to spend lots of quality time with her whenever our son didn't need us. One thing that I think helps is to kind of downplay the baby when the older sibling is around. I know that sounds mean and unfair, but newborns don't know the difference, and there are so many opportunities (middle of the night). We also strongly encouraged our daughter to breastfeed, change, and put her lovey to sleep (Kind of like co-playing) while we were doing said activities to baby brother.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as she got used to the idea of having a baby brother, she then wanted to love him so much she would literally smother him. And I mean, baby turning blue smother. (Yeah, scary). So it took time for her to learn how to show affection without hurting (killing) baby brother. Even now, at 3.5 & 1.5, she still overpowers him and requires some 'supervision' when they are 'playing'.
I have twins, so my family never experienced the transition from one child to two, we went straight from zero to two. So, my husband and I had to learn to split our attention from the get-go, and we don't know any different.
ReplyDeleteMy boys are identical, and they are very close. They bicker sometimes, but so far, nothing serious. (They are 3.5yr) I think the hardest point so far was when they were toddlers and likely to wander off in different directions, but your son will be old enough to listen before your new child will be walking.
Double strollers were a very effective tool for us. Both husband and I got used to going out with just the children (as in 1 adult, 2 children) and it generally went (and still goes) well. We always made sure to pack a diaper bag as necessary (diapers, wipes, food, toys, books, change of undies during potty training, you know). In your case, bring books, toys and snacks for your older child if you are out and about and he needs a distraction.
There is always enough love for all of the children, but once there is more than one child, you really can't give 100% attention to either one. Yes, there will be times of the day when you can (maybe if baby goes to sleep earlier than toddler), and it's probably good for you and your husband to plan special, one-on-one "Older Sibling" days or outings with him.
We have just started doing the one-on-one things with our boys. They weren't keen on it before, but now they can handle it if (his) brother is with Daddy in a different place than he is with me. Also, they go to daycare/preschool, and there are plenty of other children to play with---they don't always play with each other, they will go off independently. And it sounds like your son is too young for preschool, but when he is older, that might be good for him too.
One of my very first thoughts after our second was born was "What was so bad about having one again?" because of the increased work (and guilt!). Mine are a little less than 2.5 years apart, and it was tough at first. But I think it brings needed balance to parenting. No longer is the first child the king/queen of the roost; all of a sudden, their needs are not necessarily first. It also chills you out as a parent, if you are the sort who likes to control a lot. Things have to slide, and you have to figure out what is really, actually important to you. For example, many firstborns I know were VERY restricted in their "empty calorie" intake, but the second and subsequent kids were not.
ReplyDeleteSo, give yourselves a break when the baby is born. Remember that it will all work out, and the imbalance is temporary. It won't necessarily be smooth or pretty (but boy, taking care of a newborn, is usually a lot easier the second time around. usually), but you'll get through it. I was afraid my oldest was going to turn out to be a psycho when he would "bonk a baby on da head" and smile--ugh! But lo and behold, he's a lovely guy who's also very gentle and kind.
You will do great. Everyone will be fine. And you'll love your new family. Believe it or not, you will love your new family even more than you love this current configuration.